1 Year Out

 Wow.

It really has been a year huh? If there was really any way to tell you, or think about what type of year you had ever since the breakup, I would say that I think it turned out way better than I could've ever expected. I guess the last year consisted of checking profiles, seeing if you can find anything out, but the funniest shit ever is finding out that you really didn't give a fuck. Not to the point where it doesn't mean anything to you, but in this weird laughable way that I can't believe it was something I tolerated, you know?

I guess it's even more funny to think about how horrible life was like that. Maybe the busy life really made things easier for you, which is even less now just because of the fact that form October to now, you weren't busy at all, but still made the best of life and treated Caitlyn so much better than you ever could Dalena. Which really was the fundamental problem if we both think about it. I was still in my fake life arc back in the day, and in a way I still kind of am, but in a weird way that it's very very close to the reality. I'm glad I'm not in that arc anymore, because having to fake literally so much shit is INSANELY hard work. 

I have such an amazing opportunity ahead of me too. Like I could do everything I ever wanted in one feel swoop. I can go to the gym whenever I need, I can pick up food without having to spend it on doordash, I can come home and feel grounded with Caitlyn, and I have a good balance of space to do my own thing, and dates and happiness with her. See how that's balanced? Not something I could have ever done if I was still in that lil rickety place when I was with Dalena. Just culturally too, is something that I appreciate. That young boy obsessive shit is gone in the wind. I think it was cool, for the time, and like really long distance like that is cool when you have nothing to do and nothing to get done, but I'm fucking busy now, and I have lots of shit to do. 

I think the gym has become so much more purpose driven now. I get in and target the muscles I need. Then bounce. Like gym before used to come with no time limit. But now it's get there and figure shit out. That's cool as fuck. Now I feel like I'm really getting out there and becoming an adult, and that's the main thing I always wanted. I'm a simple man, and all I ever wanted was purpose, and a path towards affection and love. There's a lot in my life that I haven't been proud of, even now I'm kind of hurt by my friends not being able to hang anymore. 

But at the end of the day, it's time to start again. I'm happy that at this time theres no more shit kind of holding me down at this point anymore. Scratch having to start again, it's time to start anew. A new era of vanishing, a new era of being the man I always knew that I was going to be. I want to see how far I can push myself, how far I can win. At the end of the day, it's always been me and you and nothing will ever change that.

So let's fix my body, lets fix my mind, let's change the way I think about all of this. 

Vanisher, It's time.